Living MY Truth

I have been made fun of for being too Christian,
I have been ridiculed for not being Christian enough.
I have been persecuted for walking in steep religion
and judged for being too liberal.
I have been frowned on for the Bible I used
and mocked for the church I chose to attend.
It doesn't matter whose truth we choose to follow, we will be ridiculed.
But I have my own truth and I'm very passionate about that truth.
When others choose to decide whether or not I'm fit for heaven or qualify for hell
they should also consider what they haven't seen.
They haven't seen the hours of prayer and contemplation that goes behind each choice I've made.
But then again, it doesn't really matter what other people choose for me.  It only matters that I follow my truth.
You see I AM saved.  You could say I'm saved from a fiery hell but "saved" means much more to me.  It means that I'm saved from my own demise.  My own torment.  My own inner hell.  I was once "saved" in a church but I feel that was more of an acceptance into religion.  It wasn't until I was at the depth of my despair when I truly called out for HELP!  It was then that everything started to fall into place for healing.  No, God did not miraculously touch me for instantaneous healing.  It was quite the opposite.  God opened up every opportunity for me to look deep inside to free the demons that I had created to protect myself from the outward pain.  One by one those demons have been released.  Some go easily and some go kicking and screaming.  But they are leaving and leaving and leaving.  I'm dealing with my stuff.  My deep down buried emotional pain that brought on pain and sickness.

Because I no longer attend a "church" building, people want to "witness" to me and still try to save me.  But I am already saved.  Living my own truth.  Living in profound freedom.  And the more I walk this walk, the more freedom I receive.

Confessing my sins means talking (with the intention to release) about the pain and wounds I've been cradling.  The more I talk, the more light shines on the darkness, bringing it to the surface to be exposed and then set free.  It is then I am cleansed from all the unrightousness that had been cemented into my psyche since a small child.

Forsake not the assembling... please don't use that one against me unless you've studied it in context and understand the culture and time in which it was written.

God is freedom.  God is love.  God lives within each of us all the time.  The more we cleanse ourselves of all the unrighteousness, the more God can truly be revealed in us.

God is no longer in a box for me.  God is bigger than a church, a religion, and certainly bigger than human perception.  I no longer try to define God outside of God being pure love.  I don't try to understand God, only my reactions to life.  I am learning to allow life to flow through me rather than suppress and hold down anything doesn't fit into one certain belief system.  I am free.  I am free.  I am free.

My life theme lately has been "Let it go."  How perfect was the timing at the peak of walking away from every religious person and belief that tried to hold me back that I heard this song at the theater with my family.  I play it over and over and get goosebumps every time I listen.  Enjoy!

From the movie FROZEN:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kHue-HaXXzg

Life is working for us

God causes all things to work for us.  We either choose to learn from it and be done or choose to fight it and end up fighting until we learn it.  Sometimes what we need to learn doesn't always fit into our religious mind sets or narrow mindedness so we shut down any potential lessons God has for us.  Lessons aren't always bad, just opening us to a new way of looking at things.  But when we reject those lessons they keep coming up until BOOM!  No matter how many times we reject those lessons, God still brings situations and people around to help us back onto His path, which is a path of joy and peace.

I was formerly diagnosed

I had the formal diagnosis.  I couldn't believe I had gone there.  Severe anxiety disorder, clinical depression, PTSD, severe insomnia and the psychiatrist was considering bi-polar.  How did I get here?  I had fought so hard to not follow this path yet here I was.  If it had not been for my two children I would have been suicidal as I did consider it from time to time.  They saved me.  I was however, looking for institutions.  I wanted to be committed.  I wanted help.  I was on so many medications.  With each prescription I felt a little better only to build up a tolerance and need more.  The medicine bottles were taking over my cabinets.  The bed had become my best friend.  I knew something had to change.  I knew there was an answer somewhere.

Detoxing Self

I started another Re-Nuz colon detox again yesterday.  They generally last about five days and could rid the body of a massive amount of toxicity.  I actually usually enjoy doing this detox because it makes me feel really, really good.  But, after doing some serious soul searching lately, I realized that I had a lot of "crap" to get rid of.  The "crap" here is a metaphor for the baggage of the past.  Hurts, pain, anger and skewed perceptions.  It's time to let go.  Unlike the many other times of doing the detox, I did not feel so good.  Since the colon holds the emotions of the childhood I should have been prepared for the ill feelings.  The second day I felt nauseated.  Nausea comes from the stomach area, right?  I've come to learn that the stomach holds the emotion of disgust.   Remembering this from my wellness classes I decided to go home and write about whatever is coming up.  The detox goes through the colon and pulls out buried toxins in the pockets we create when we bury painful childhood memories.  Releasing of physical toxins pulls up emotional toxins.  If you have colon problems you can relate.  Acknowledging my nausea and paying attention to the feeling of disgust I was experiencing helped me to deal with it a little easier.  As the day went on I started to feel irritable, really irritable.  These emotions from the toxic pockets of my colon were being pulled up and I either had to deal with them or shove them back into the darkness only to be revealed again the next time I did a detox or bury them enough until they ultimately turned into "dis-ease."  I came home from work, got everyone settled and went straight to my bedroom with pen and paper and wrote and wrote and wrote.  I came to understand in this writing that I am (despite the massive work and healing) still at battle with my own self.  I have been angry and disgusted with myself for turning on myself.  There was so much anger, pain, loss and negativity being thrown at me as a child that I had at some point jumped on the bandwagon.  I wrote to me.  I told me everything I needed to say.  I let it all go onto that paper.  I told me that it's time to team up with me.  I no longer get to be mean to me.  And then I took the paper, burned it up and prayed for the pain to be released and transmuted into love.  Another weight lifted.  More of me set free.  More love to share.  More room for God to fill with love. 

This colon detox does much more than clean the colon, it also makes unresolved childhood emotions easily accessible to confront and release so that a full body healing can occur.  It's not easy, it's not fun but when finished, living inside our bodies actually becomes a pleasant place to be.  Those around us appreciate it, too ;).

Waking Up

A lot of healing has taken place over the past couple of years.  I was physically a mess.  At the end of my despair I found beacon of light, a special person I can now call my friend, was then only someone who was my last effort of hope.  She started me on my physical healing process but I didn't know back then that she was looking at my soul... wanting to help me to where I am now and beyond.  But at that time she could only offer me a food plan and supplements for it was all I was willing to receive.  Slowly I'm waking up to self.  The trueness of me.  My inner rest.  Connection to Source.  Coming this far was a true battle and I'm certain that the old, the dark isn't going to totally give up with one last fight at least.  I came this far kicking and screaming but soul, my true me, was done.  My soul craved truth and truth is happening.  By far not there...so far to go... yet on my way.  My soul sat quietly waiting, waiting for me to come home.  But coming home meant tearing down the curtains, the costumes.  Cutting through the briers of old thoughts and perceptions.  Negating and neutralizing the lies.  Breaking the chains of fear.  I see the process much more clearly now.  Now I can see me moving towards center at lightning speed.  No turning back, no holding back, no looking back.  I am free... it's time to leap.  The caterpillar has metamorphosed... the cocoon has broke open.  I see the light of the sun...time to spread my wings.  Time to fly.

Depression Is

Depression is ugly.
Depression is sad.
Depression is lonely.
Depression is afraid.
Depression is angry.
Depression is quiet.
Depression is sneaky.
Depression is painful.

I know, I lived there off on and on my whole life but was immersed in it for a solid five years.

Depression is NOT me.

I am free.